Why I Touch Fire
Nicole Cassese
I've been thinking about death for as long as I can remember.
It probably started when I was eight and the dreams began to occur. They weren't necessarily about death. They were about this feeling of nothingness that would create a huge void within me and I would awake in the middle of the night with anxiety not wanting to tell anyone what I just discovered, because it almost seemed like too much. How could I at such a young age realize that at the end of it all, at the end of this road, there's nothingness? Why would I lie awake for hours as a child thinking about the end and the void? I think this was the beginning of my manifestations of anxiety, and it’s since changed and shifted and evolved, and even become elevated as life has gotten more complex than it was for an eight-year-old, but I tend to view everything in my life through this lens of what is infinite and what is finite.
What do we have the ability to control and what can we not control? Freaking out over something small might seem like a huge waste of time. But if time is finite, could it be the opposite? Those of us who are so particular, are perhaps the ones who have such an appreciation for life that it's almost unyielding. It drives us crazy to our core. The entropy of life is never-ending yet thinking of ending is unrelentingly uncomfortable. So what do we do? Seek joy in all forms. Seek aliveness. I'd rather get burned with my hand in the flames than stand back watching. After all, if my beliefs are true, then I only get to do this once.
Nicole Cassese is a seasoned creative writer, vocalist, and editor based in Los Angeles. She combines strategic insight with bold storytelling to craft brand narratives for companies like Instacart & Headspace.